Reading material from Faux News

So one cool thing about this blogging experience is that it has exposed to me Faux News. I use the terms news timidly although I've found that Faux's coverage of events is fair even though many other parts of the complete "news" experience found on their website is lacking.

Perhaps the funniest and scariest thing I've discovered on Faux News is the daily polls that they run relating to world news. I always vote in the polls and usually find myself in the EXTREME minority. After chipping in, I tend to read the comments fellow pollsters have left.

As you may know, yesterday, President Obama announced his revisions of the nation's nuclear policy. While nuclear policy is not an issue that is near and dear to my heart, I do believe the president made a good decision. Nuclear weapons are expensive to maintain and by cutting back on how many we have we will save money that can be used to make our military more flexible and capable of addressing post-Cold War threats. Besides, we have enough nukes to kill every living creature on the planet 10 times over. Doesn't that seem like overkill? Can't we just wipe out all life two or three times and be content with ourselves? Perhaps the most controversial part of President Obama's new policy is that America will not use nuclear retaliation against non-nuclear attacks so long as the attacking country is in compliance with the nuclear non-proliferation treaty. Judging by the comments on Faux News, you'd have thought someone had just unleashed biological warfare on New York, LA and Chicago. I've selected a few of the gems for your reading pleasure. For the benefit of the idiots who posted these, I've left out their names.

Quote 1: "First he cripples us fiscally, then he cripples us defensively. The Chinese or the Muslims can now take us over without firing a shot. THAT was the real "Change" Obama intended all along to bring to America. I hope everyone feels all safe and secure now."

My Response: ...The Muslims? Which ones? The ones in Indonesia or the ones in Saudi Arabia or maybe the ones in Chicago. Everyone run and hide, the Muslims are coming. I'm not even worried about the Chinese, the Muslims are on the way. Get out of town quick! This guy does make a good point though, the Chinese have had territorial ambitions in America since...

Credit to President Obama for tricking the voters into thinking that change meant letting the Muslims take over. I could have sworn he meant making America better, but this guy has shown me the light.

Quote 2: "Nukes are like guns: You can never have enough, especially when you need them."

My Response: It's true, you can never have enough guns. Every true blue-blooded American knows that. If you don't own at least six guns you're a wuss and probably a Communist. Whatever that means, I just like throwing the term around.

One flaw in this guy's argument, you actually CAN have too many nukes. For example, you could have thousands when only a fraction of those are needed to kill every man, woman and child on the planet.

Quote 3: "thanx alot obama for kiling of all all the innocent AMERICANS! you've pretty much decided our fate. you need to be impeached, and i hope when we get NUKED, you get hit first..........."

My Response: Wait a second, Obama is killing innocent Americans!?! IMPEACH THE JERK! Who told him he could kill innocent Americans. That's not right.

I'm not sure who is going to nuke us, but do you think it's worth informing this guy that if that happens, Obama won't be the only victim?

Also, someone interpret this sentence for me: "you've pretty much decided our fate." What does that even mean? Have the Muslims taken over yet? I'm worried about that.

Quote 4: "Ghandi preached peace - he was murdered. Martin Luther King preached peace - he was murdered. Neville Chamberlain practiced appeasement - World War II came anyway."

My Response: I'll give it to this guy, peace is WAY overrated. I mean do you know what happened to Gandhi? Do you know how to spell Gandhi? That guy doesn't. What we should be doing is buying more guns...and nukes, because anytime you try to do things peacefully, you die. This historian has proven it in just two short sentences.

Quote 5: "It is no secret, this eggplant is a traitor and coward. He represents a clear and present danger to the American people. I hope the US military rises up and takes control of this corrupt and traitorous regime, dealing with the traitors accordingly!"

My Response: It is no secret that this guy is hallucinating and seeing eggplants. I also hope the US military rises up and takes control of this "regime." Actually, I hope the militia does it because military juntas scare me, but the militia is really the last line of defense for our country. Plus, they all have guns, and if they take over then we can build more nukes and then we can lob a few at the moon just for laughs.

In the meantime, I'm going to consult with our aforementioned historian to see if we can find a time when a military uprising worked out in favor of the people.

Quote 6: "Are you as willing to bow to allah as Obama is?"

My Response: It's happened already, the Muslims have taken over! Run for your lives!